Enjoy!

Rather funny video. Enjoy!

At a recent computer expo , Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

“If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

“If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car95″ or “CarNT”. But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

You’ll Know It’s a No-Frills Airline If:

They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.

All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, “Just once.”

No movie. Don’t need one.

Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

1. Aircraft never have headaches.
2. You can fly your aircraft in public.
3. Your aircraft will never get jealous if you get into another one.
4. You can talk about how great your last flight was in mixed company.
5. You don’t have to wear a condom in an aircraft.
6. Your aircraft doesn’t care how many other aircraft you’ve had.
7. You can share your aircraft with others.
8. Aircraft don’t care if you go out and buy aircraft magazines.
9. Aircraft don’t get pregnant.
10. You don’t have to apologise to an aircraft before flying it.
11. Aircraft don’t care if you’re late.
12. You don’t have to meet your aircraft’s mother.
13. When you get in your aircraft and fly somewhere, you both arrive at the same time.
14. Your aircraft will sit quietly, waiting for you.
15. If you buy something expensive for your aircraft, it’s because it is necessary.
16. Your aircraft will not care how you look when you go out together.
17. Your aircraft will not cry and want to go home when seen at a function in identical colours to another aircraft.
18. Your aircraft will not complain when you leave the toilet seat up.
19. You don’t have to take your aircraft out to dinner or a movie to get into it.
20. You can pull your aircraft’s circuit breakers at any time without getting a slap across the face.
21. Aircraft don’t talk sex, politics, or religion.

Every year the CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) decide to pop over to Santas to do a check ride and make sure all is in order before he sets off on his round the world delivery tour. They give him the once over and make sure hes in good health and all his reindeers are firing on all cylinders too.

Fortuantely because of Santas age he doesn’t have to pay for his medical anymore and the CAA do it free of charge.

The CAA examiner does a walkround of Santas sled and checks all things are in oreder. He checks the skids have not rusted, the leather harnesses have not torn and his instruments are responding. He also checks Ruldoph’s nose is bright red and all the reindeer have checked into their posistions and are ready for the departure.

Santa gets in followed by the examiner to go on a quick check flight before the main flight on Christmas Eve. Just as Santa checks everything has been stowed properly and has turned on the cargo hold heat as to make sure all those puppies dont freeze to death once at altitude, Santa notices something very strange;

The examiner has brought along a shotgun with him. Somewhat confused and concerned about this, especially as it wasn’t noted on the manifest, Santa quietly confronts the examiner on what he was intending to do with the offending item.

The examiner replies to Santa and tells him “I shouldn’t really tell you this in advance, but you’re going to experience an engine failure on take off”.

1. No man/woman is worth your tears and the one who is wont make you cry.

2. Just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to doesnt mean they dont love you with all that they have.

3. Never frown, even when your sad because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

4. To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.

5. Don’t waste your time on a man/woman who isn’t willing to waste their time on you.

6. Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.

7. Don’t try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

8. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

9. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them and knowing you can’t have them.

10. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart

11. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before we meet the right one, so that when we do meet the right person we know how to be grateful.

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

1. Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2. Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3. A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
4. A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
5. Sponges are Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6. A Web Page is Female, because it’s always getting hit on.
7. A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8. An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9. A Hammer is Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
10. A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it’d be male , didn’t you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

A haggis lived in a quiet cave
Quite happy on his own
Til a bagpipe flitted in next door
Which made the haggis groan.
For it is such a well known fact,
And one that no-one savours,
Bagpipes are notorious for
Being very noisy neighbours.

And so it proved, for late at night
As the haggis retired to bed
The bagpipe started practising
And the noise would wake the dead.
A skirling and a droning
Wailling and caterwauling,
the haggis who liked Radio 2
Thought the noise was just appalling.

Calling the Police availed him naugh
The bagpipe’s case prevails
For he has Royal Patronage
He is called the ‘Prince of Wails’
So the Haggis has to suffer
As no self-respecting haggis should
All the hells of the decibels
That his neighbour thought were good.

And then one night two ne’er do wells
THought they’d rob the haggis’ cave
Stealing all his precious stones
Which he’s spent his life to save
But as they tried to pick his lock
A hedious noise assailed their ears
A terrible sound that made them quake
And filled their hearts with fear.

“Monsters!” cried the miscrients
And beat a quick retreat
Not realising it was bagpipe
Who was practising his beat.
His ‘musical’ turn had savesd the day
And saved the haggis’ jewels
So now he lets the bagpipe play
Though he’s sure it breaks the rules.

- Russell Adams