A haggis lived in a quiet cave
Quite happy on his own
Til a bagpipe flitted in next door
Which made the haggis groan.
For it is such a well known fact,
And one that no-one savours,
Bagpipes are notorious for
Being very noisy neighbours.

And so it proved, for late at night
As the haggis retired to bed
The bagpipe started practising
And the noise would wake the dead.
A skirling and a droning
Wailling and caterwauling,
the haggis who liked Radio 2
Thought the noise was just appalling.

Calling the Police availed him naugh
The bagpipe’s case prevails
For he has Royal Patronage
He is called the ‘Prince of Wails’
So the Haggis has to suffer
As no self-respecting haggis should
All the hells of the decibels
That his neighbour thought were good.

And then one night two ne’er do wells
THought they’d rob the haggis’ cave
Stealing all his precious stones
Which he’s spent his life to save
But as they tried to pick his lock
A hedious noise assailed their ears
A terrible sound that made them quake
And filled their hearts with fear.

“Monsters!” cried the miscrients
And beat a quick retreat
Not realising it was bagpipe
Who was practising his beat.
His ‘musical’ turn had savesd the day
And saved the haggis’ jewels
So now he lets the bagpipe play
Though he’s sure it breaks the rules.

- Russell Adams